I really don't like my life right now. Everything's driving me crazy.

The competition's next week and I can almost clearly say right here, we don't stand a chance. The team dynamics is just not there and, what can we do? We only met each other to interact for the first time today. Most people are not really good team players as well so I don't really think it'll add up very well. On top of that, I really need to start working on my primer 3 for final submission. But how can I start without consulting my lecturers about my key concepts? If my key concept isn't even strong yet, there's no say I can develop the idea without getting slammed down. And the thing is, I can't contact my lecturers until next Friday because of the competition, 8.30 to 6 everyday is pretty crazy. Hopefully I can pull something out by the end of next week though since we should be done with revit/autocad floorplans by then.

The thing that's really getting to me most though, has nothing to do with any buildings or numbers. Competition though, might suit the case, in a way. Though I can't really call it that since I'm totally out of the picture. The feeling is like looking in through a stained window, looking longingly at something that you could almost taste, yet your fingers could only just barely scratch the dust off the old window. And as you watch those in the house happily go about in their daily lives in the warm glow of a brick-lined fire, you start to feel how the icy sheets of rain cascades upon your cold lifeless body, you start to notice how each raindrop rakes it's rusty nails into your skin, burning you, when all you feel is cold. It hurts to think of how easily one can be replaced with just a few simple gestures. Every name you tick off on a growing list is like a time bomb going off in my head, every message you send when I'm with you a reminder that I am but a shadow now. But I will try to shine as a shadow. There is so much pain now, but if I make you happy, I will be happy. A couple of nights ago, I read through an old message you sent to me. In it, you said that all my problems, my pain, they are yours too, and you will love me for all I am now and for what I will become. I suppose now is my turn to say the same in this post. I don't want to be a burden to you in any way. I know it hurts me a lot to see you surrounded by many people who are falling for you, without the slightest chance to fight for myself at all, but I really love to see you happy. When I see you smiling as you're talking about anything under the sun, even if what you're talking about hurts me under my skin, seeing you smile like that still makes my heart lift. You may not know the effect you have on me now, but I feel as though I'm falling for you all over again. Except this time, I'm outside the line. You won't know about any tears shed or any blood spilled, because I don't think I'm in any position to intrude on your happiness. And I will willingly be the turtle in this hare's race, because I know I will never have the chance to win, but I want to show you that I will try, because there's no other way to put it other than because I love you.

Yours truly.