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posted : Tuesday, 3 January 2012
title : Keep Away
 And mom, i know i haven't been going to the gym, but i have work, and why do i have work? so i can earn my own money which means you and dad can have more money to save instead of use on me. I know i talk about needing to go to the gym a lot in case i get fat but that doesn't mean you are entitled to insulting me every time i look for food. Yeah i said i've eaten before i went to look for food. you told me "but you say you already eat!" yeah i KNOW but just cut me some slack okay, yes i've eaten, one rushed meal for the whole day. and thanks to you i don't even feel like eating my second. its not my fault i'm hungry,or maybe it is. then what the hell is wrong with me? what is wrong with my body that i only stay full for awhile before i'm hungry again!? what kind of sick freak am i!? To Sinead, i know what you said wasn't meant to hurt me in any way, but what you said was really out of assumptions. Not everyone is what you think they are. I'm not in a lesbian relationship. Honest. Because that would imply two girls being attracted to one another. But i'm a guy, stuck in this form, and yes i do want out as much as i can, its uncomfortable, its foreign, and i feel terrible about myself being stuck here. I feel shapeless and torn. But i've got an amazing girlfriend who does wonders for me, lifts me up and catches me when i fall, and she accepts me with open arms, she loves me. And i felt a lot better, because she brought me light and hope. But the way you put what you said, it made me feel that i can't and can never escape, you remind me that i'm imprisoned in this hell forever, it makes it seem as if all my joys are temporary. But i won't accept that. I don't care about my little joys, don't you dare touch Sabrina. She's my forever and i refuse to accept anything else. It just, i'm so tired. I try my best for her, i want to be her man, the one who protects her, her strength. But the words between the lines of your message just seemed to rip that out of my hands and smash it on the floor, that i can never be enough of a guy for her. It hurts, really, you wouldn't know. But i know you're not out to hurt me, so i'll try my best to help you out. I shouldn't have left my room at all, the comfort of my dark, cold room. But Sabby wasn't replying me and it really wasn't her fault, she was having her eyes checked, i KNOW its not her fault, its just that the sudden disappearance was at such a bad timing, because i needed someone to talk to. I know she'll feel guilty once she reads this, and i feel terrible enough for being so cold when she finally replied me, and now, the guilt. I can't help it i'm so sorry. Its the truth. I don't wanna have to lie to her that everything was fine, no, it wasn't fine the minute she was gone, because i needed her, so much. i know the truth. i know that all the past fears and pain came back while she was gone, i know that i held it in till my chest hurt and i just sat there, still, numb, with tears flowing from my eyes like some pathetic loser, and i know that in no way was it her fault that the time and event was so unfortunately crossed. Its not your fault Sabby, i love you, i know you're always there for me, this time was a mistake of fate. At the end of the day, I sit on the floor, unable to control myself, just breaking down, whatever weak wall i have built shattered into pieces. My scars are open, my mind is numb. That's when Papaya comes over to me, sits in front of me and meows while looking at me straight in the eye. He stands on his hind legs, his front paws on my chest, and nudges my head gently with his muzzle. And he does this until i stop trembling. He made me smile through my tears. Sabrina texts me and i do admit that she made me feel a lot better, she appreciates me and i forever owe her to that. I love you both so much. Thank you. There is hope. |
It's best to keep it short and sweet. (:
