Best viewed in Google Chrome, screen resolution 1280 x 1024.
Do not put too much content under each header or else some of the content could not be seen.
|
posted : Monday, 9 January 2012
title : I'll Be Okay, Is That What You Want Me To Say?
 "took a long hard look at my life, lost my way while I was riding the tide; big black cloud, stormy sky, followed me while I was living a lie." Got back o level results today. B3. At first, I thought okay that's an okay, expected mark for me, good enough I didn't fail. Next thing I know "eh YOUR COUSIN got A1 leh!" bloody hell. Changes everything. Why, why am I being put through such things?? Everything I'm supposed to be good at, she does better. Everything she can't do, I'm lousy at them anyway. Why the hell did we even end up in the same school? Our moms are so judgemental, comparing us to each other for everything. Yeah mom, go ahead and BULLSHIT about her mom comparing her daughter to everyone else. What about you?! You know how you make me feel? You make me feel like I'm a bloody DISHONOUR to our family, like as if you put all your faith in me and I just throw it away and let you down. Like I'm not good enough IN COMPARISON to her just because of this stupid bloody ass test. Fine go ahead and don't talk to me like that, I know in your mind you're probably listing down all my mistakes that led to my terrible failure. It's not that I got a B3 and her an A1. It's not JUST that. I mean seriously I wouldn't give a flying funeral- OKAY SERIOUSLY BITCH WTF WAS THAT FOR?! BLOODY ASSHOLE HEY LOOK YOURE NOT HAPPY I'M NOT HAPPY YOU DONT HAVE TO COME BARGING INTO MY ROOM AND DEMAND ME TO GET THE HELL OUT OF BED TO SETTLE SOMETHING I CAN SERIOUSLY DO AT ANOTHER TIME. GET IT? MY DOOR IS CLOSED MEANS I WANT PRIVACY, AND YOU SHOULD BLOODY HELL KNOW WHY. THEN YOU STILL DARE SAY I'M FOREVER TALKING TO MY FRIENDS WELL LOOK HERE BITCH IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK TO ME THEN I'M GONNA HAVE TO TALK TO SOMEONE RIGHT. I EVEN HAD THE HONESTY TO TELL YOU I WAS BLOGGING FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU JUST HAD TO ASSUME IT WAS WITH "MY FRIENDS" BECAUSE YOU DONT EVEN HAVE A FREAKING CLUE WHAT A BLOG IS DO YOU? PERSONAL. "WHAT PERSONAL??" YOU TREAT IT AS IF I'M DOING SOMETHING WRONG FOR GOD'S SAKE. YOU THINK WHAT, JUST BECAUSE I'M IN YOUR HOUSE I HAVE TO LIVE EVERY MINUTE OF MY LIFE LIKE HOW YOU PLAN IT TO BE? IT'S MY LIFE FOR GOD'S SAKE, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO WHAT I WANT TO DO, LIVE IT LIKE MY OWN SO STOP BEING BLOODY SELFISH AND CONTROLLING WHEN I WAKE UP, WHEN I EAT, WHEN I BATHE, WHEN I USE THE COM, WHEN I GET TO PLAY GUITAR, WHEN I GET TO SING, WHEN I GET TO USE MY PHONE, WHEN I GET TO DRAW, WHEN I HAVE TO SLEEP. IT'S MY LIFE, MY CONSEQUENCES. IT'S NOT AS IF I DONT SLEEP THEN I'M TIRED ITS NOT AS IF YOURE THE ONE FEELING IT RIGHT!? YOU DONT BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY, YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME, NEVER BELIEVE THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING RIGHT, YOU MOCK ME WHENEVER I TRY. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! EVERYTHING I DO IS WRONG ISNT IT? NOTHING ABOUT ME IS RIGHT! NOTHING! WHY THE HELL DO YOU EVEN EXPECT ME TO BE NICE TO YOU WHEN YOU DONT DO SO MUCH AS RESPECT ME, RESPECT THE DAMN PLACE BY CLOSING THE GODDAMN DOOR AFTER YOU OPENED IT! AND YOU SAY I'M IRRESPONSIBLE. GOD. -as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by an untamed woman, I wouldn't give a flying funeral as to who got what higher marks. But it just makes me feel, I could have done better. I could have been able to be up to par, so why the hell didn't I? I didn't try hard enough was it? Or am I just not up to that standard? And those two hypocrites will compare, and talk. With all the relatives, everyone, word will spread how I got a B3 while my cousin got an A1. And my reason for going to poly will ultimately become "because I wasn't good enough for JC". Fantastic. --- This morning, still not talking to me? Fine I'll talk to you first since I'm 'inferior' to you anyway, I asked if you've seen my raffles shirt. That's all. If you've seen my raffles shirt. How THE HELL did that lead to "everything over there what.", how somehow it's my fault that SP's server had a problem last night and I couldn't sign up yet, how it's 'first come first serve' SERIOUSLY?!, and how I have no time for everything. Yeah sure I have no time, why? Work. And why the HELL do I work mom!? Because I wanna earn my own money so I'm not a GODDAMN BURDEN to you for god's sake! Yeah so that's my fault right? Sureeee okay that's my fault, then open house and o levels results also my fault la hah? I nothing better to do go collect results and gather a bunch of rj people who also have nothing better to do to take key open their house right? WTF seriously man, you get damn bloody pissed off cos I go out to eat with my friends AND GOD DAMNIT I EVEN TELL YOU and what, when I go home, THERES NO FOOD EVEN! so what the hell, am I supposed to starve!? Yeah that's right, try and recall the last time I had breakfast on any of my working days, why, what's wrong? Too far back to remember? And here I am wondering why the hell I don't get fat when I haven't gone to the gym in ages. How could I have been so blind, with ONE staff meal a day, and working 10 hours, why WOULD I grow fat at all if not lose weight? So you just go on scolding me for eating 'in the middle of the night', hello WAKE UP, I REACH HOME in the middle of the night, you expect me to sleep on an empty stomach to wake up to one meal the next day? YEAH RIGHT. You WISH la. Yeah my dad complain to you that he never sees me anymore cos the moment I go home I shut myself in my room. LOOK THAT WAS ONE FREAKING TIME. YESTERDAY THATS IT. before that it's always been YOU, you who went to sleep the moment you let me into the house after work. And it's not my fault that my shifts and my dad's clash right? Oh right yeah everything's my fault how could I have forgotten. And honestly it'll be much too heartless for me not to mention Sabby in this post at all. Because I've never been so thankful to have someone walk into my life. Someone who believes in me. Sabby, she believes in me, believes that one day I'll amount to something even if not today. She believes I'm actually living my life right, and that against all odds, it'll bring me somewhere one day. She believes that I'm not lacking, that I'm good at something, just haven't found it yet. She believes that my character is actually...good, that I'm actually worth it. She makes me feel like I'm not just another pain in the ass and that just makes me feel, I don't know, like I'm worth it and I'm so thankful for her(: "Been so high, sunk so low; I've come so far with nothing to show." |
It's best to keep it short and sweet. (:
