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posted : Wednesday, 30 November 2011
title : Life on the Shelf
 Thanks mom, thanks so much for not taking me seriously. I know I'm not the perfect child you wanted, but please accept that. I have problems, you blame me for not telling them to you, but you know what, I was hella smart for not telling you in the first place. You know why? Cos even when I tried, all you gave me was that look like i was making everything up out of thin air. I tried to tell you about the possibility of me having ADHD, you made a complete joke about it. I stared you straight in the eye and kept silent, only then did you shut the hell up. Let me tell you, i've never done that to anyone else before, I've never felt that sort of anger piercing into another person. And here you are telling me to tell you about my problems. So what? So you can make a joke out of them and tell them I'm bringing them upon myself? Are you freaking blind? Have you seen my scars? Oh hell yes you have, I remember you telling me to hurry get rid of them, because they make me look ugly. Well that's all you ever care about isn't it? What's on the outside, you know what, I hope these scars stay for as long as I live, they're proof of my battles, the ones you never knew about. You know I punch the walls, you've heard the pounding in my room, you've seen me throwing punch after punch at the fading wall, you've seen me lying on the ground panting of exhaustion after. You saw the blood on my knuckles and what did you say? "where's this from? Oh right from yesterday when you punched the wall" end of story. But maybe I'm glad that you don't care about this, at least it gives me something to vent on. I remember my dad complaining to you about breathing difficulties, I don't know how many doctors and hospitals you've been to for check ups and medicine and whatnot. It's not that I don't care about my father, but what about when I complained about my chest pains to you? "what's wrong with you?" you said, then "you always have things to complain about." and brushed it off. Well, you wouldn't know about my hairline fracture if I didn't finally make you go to the polyclinic with me for an xray after keeping my mouth shut for weeks, would you? Cause it's all about the outside isn't it? So obviously there's nothing wrong with me. You say you know me so well, you know what I'm like. So what, I absolutely love it when you force me to be what I'm not? You think it's like that eh? Well you know what, I don't know if you're aware but you seem to be living under a rock. Ever heard of not conforming to stereotypes, of chasing your dreams, and of the queer? Obviously not. You make gay jokes when you see them way over the limit, like there's something wrong with them and they should just keep their relationship away from society. Like it's something they choose to be rather than something they're born with. How the heck am I gonna tell you about myself if you're not gonna take me seriously and try to make me change anyway? You try to make me into your idea of a perfect daughter, you know what, I'm much much happier serving you as your son instead. You have no idea how much it kills me inside when you make me do things I'm uncomfortable with. Humiliated, torn inside and taken for a fool, that's how I feel. I hate that you can't accept me for who I am. When I tell that to your face, you yell at me saying you're my mother and know what's best for me and I'm leading my life the wrong way. I don't care, I hate that you don't accept me anyway. You're trying to plan my life for me, you got so damn mad when I told you I wanna start a charity or go to Africa one day to serve the people there. You told me I was ungrateful and I didn't care about my parents. I never said that. Never. Because as much as you refuse to accept it, to you, if there's no direct benefits to something then there's no point doing it. Same thing with being there for my friends isn't it? Cause "non of them are gonna do the same" right? Maybe just maybe, it's because you've never been there for someone so much that their happiness brings you so much satisfaction. Maybe, just maybe, because you dont see anything beyond what's on the outside. Maybe, just maybe, just because you've been cheated before doesn't mean everyone's the same. And you know, you really wanna know the reason I don't like my black cat? Even though it's not his fault, that little bastard is showered with more love from you that I ever was. Today you said to it "I wouldn't exchange you for anything in the world" and kissed it's thinning fur. Need I remind you how many times you threatened to kick me out of the house? Of the times you made me sit out at the staircase near the lift landing in the middle of the night just because I couldn't sleep and I was annoying you. I was FOUR. Everytime we walked pass this particular shop at the market, you'd tell me you're gonna buy a cane from there to beat me, and I couldn't even tell if you were joking or not. All the times you told me I'd better do something about how I look, because somehow to your cocked eyes you thought I was fat, ugly and socially unacceptable. You're always getting pissed for not telling you my schedule, trust me, I do, you just weren't listening, and when I try to clarify with you, you'd tell me I'm lying. Cause you're always right aren't you? I'm so glad I don't keep this is though, i actually tell you straight in the face and make it a point to insist that you never listen and you always think you're right. Maybe you'll change one day. Once again, I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I don't want to let that get ahead of me right now, I've got an okay job, wonderful friends and an amazing girlfriend who happens to be coming back today(: don't worry about me, I just needa get this off my chest right now. I love you, can't wait to see you(: |
It's best to keep it short and sweet. (:
