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posted : Sunday, 13 November 2011
title : I'll Be Okay, Is That What You Want Me To Say?
 I'll post about the outing with part cs tomorrow or something cos I'm really tired and I seriously have no mood to blog right now for three reasons: I'm really tired and I wanna sleep, the stupid thing about me and Vivian chew fighting, and cos sabby isn't online which means I'm not even on my com so I'm blogging from my phone and I'm just way to annoyed with myself that I managed to sleep on her smsing me. Again. Seriously I can't stand it man, I fall asleep at the strangest times, like, it's not that I WANT to sleep or anything, it's like as if whenever I'm lying down to text or anything my body just automatically shuts itself down and I'll just fall dead asleep halfway through texting and wake up with the phone in my hands. And it sucks so bad cos it makes it seem as if the person I'm texting isn't important enough for me to properly keep awake or something, and even worse, the people that I usually fall asleep on is those I really really love to talk to them kind, like I'd give anything to talk to them that kind so when I miss such and opportunity for such stupid reasons, I just wake up with this empty feeling, like I've let the person down and i don't deserve to talk to them the next day. Like, take sabby for instance, cos obviously she means the world to me. I can totally understand why she'd get mad at me for falling asleep on her (unfortunately not literally), I mean we both mean a lot to each other and we're both making the effort to talk to each other especially when we're apart cos obviously we miss each other, so when I accidentally fall asleep on her I feel like I've let my side of something down, like as if I'm not making the effort to stay up to talk to her. And the thing is, I don't just want her to understand about this problem, I want to be able to freely control as and when I choose to sleep, not my body choose for me, cos only if I could choose would I definitely text sabby all the way till she falls asleep, that's what a proper guy should do. What kind of man am I to fall asleep on someone like some bloody wimp while talking halfway!? And i'm not even talking about 1am or 2am kinda thing here, it's things like 9pm or 10pm, what the hell seriously NO ONE falls asleep at that time it's so freaking loser. Yeah and it really upsets me la, like when I wake up in the middle of the night or the next day or something and I read her texts the last night, and I'm like, I missed out on so much time with her, okay la I know it may be only a few hours, but every second I spend with her is special to me, it really means a lot, that's why I can't stand it when my stupid body decides to back out on me all the time. I don't want to let her down. Like imagine if she was super upset or needed help or anything one night and just nice she happened to be texting me then suddenly I fall asleep. I'd never forgive myself sia, I can't bear to live with the shame and guilt of not being there for her. ..sabby I miss you. But then, I don't know what keeps causing me to fall asleep at weird times, for all you know it may be some kind of strange disease or something, cos I really really can't help it, I don't know if anyone will even believe me cos it sounds so ridiculous and all, but yeah. I feel so disappointed in myself. To sabby, I'm so sorry for all the times you had to put up with this, I don't know what's wrong with me that I'm putting this apology on my blog but yeah I really can't stand the guilt. You have every right to be mad at me and I don't blame you if you are, just please believe me when I say that I'd give up anything to be with you when we're apart cos, as cheesy and overrated it sounds, I really do love you and I appreciate every second we share like it's our last. Moving on, the Vivian and I thing has come to a point where Vivian and I are both angry at the person who started spreading this shit, but we both don't know who we can trust anymore. Like for myself, I think that as bitchy as Vivian is, I think she'd have the balls to explain if I confront her, so when she said she didn't spread anything of this sort, I don't think she's lying. She may have mentioned it to a certain extent, but not to the extent of downright bitching and backstabbing. But then again I can't really trust her right now cos she may have denied it only to cover her ass and pin it on someone else when confronted. The person we're both suspecting though, is the kind to bitch about everyone, generally, and make up stuff from what exists. That's highly likely isn't it? But apparently now Vivian is super buay song at her cos she never expected to be bitched about by her friend that she bitches with. This is why I hate all these lying, twofaced balless bitches, and this is why I hate and try not to bitch about people at all. Why? Cos one of the worst feelings you can get is that you've been backstabbed, by a friend. It's like you've seriously been let down and that the trust you had for that person has been taken advantage of. Not judging their decisions or anything but seriously, I think these people should get a life. Well yeah I guess that's it for now la, I'm damn tired and still pretty upset about not replying or being able to reply sabby. Sabby if you read this, you still needa show me your red lipstick photos hahah and yeah well, I'm going to sleep thinking about you. I love you sabby, so darn much. |
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