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posted : Saturday, 4 June 2011
title : Continued from the past.
 Now as my heart beats against this pilllow, i pretend it is you, that it is you leaning against my chest, that it is you my arms are around, that it is you my cheek is resting on. i want to feel you in an embrace again. really. there was only one before this, back on that balcony on the third floor in school. i remember the old wooden doors that swung open as you led me outside. the moss lining the edge of the rails and the algae sinking invisible teeth into the floor only began to scent the dank aftershower air of the windless April 7am. even the whitewash of the walls were out of place in this elaborate concrete slab called school. ii felt nowhere near that word at that moment. but still there were hints of where we were. when you looked down over the railing, you can see the random splatters of schoolgirls prancing their way to class or pulling one another to the side to avoid oncoming cars. there was also the ghost of the schoolbell threatening to rush us up to assembly at any time, turning the hourglass of the time we had left. yes there were awkward silences, many of them. i was too scared to make a move, and you were just waiting, so i could fulfil what i desired. after three pounding seconds in my head, "okay, can i hug you?" with arms spread out a little awkwardly. i guess you were taken a little by surprise from that look in your eyes, followed by a short burst of laughter and a guilty agreement, though i didnt follow suit. i know i laughed too, but that was just to erase the traces of fear and disappointment on the canvas i call my face. its not easy having a hug phobia. but i knew it was unfair to be disappointed in your reaction. its just. i mean, after someone laughs at how ridiculous you sounded, well, its not the perfect time. so i thought "now what". i think i might have thought that aloud. and stood there, silently praying like a coward that you'd find the heart to make it easier for me. and i little surprisingly, like a small window into the future, i saw it coming. you walked up in front of me, and yes , you did. it all happened quickly, but being in your arms was a long time. and i know it happened twice, but the feeling was the same. i remember quite clearly, i was quite awkward at first, but i took the time to slowly rest my chin on your shoulder, my head nestled against yours. i could feel the jostle and hear the rustle of your jacket beneath me, and even though i loosened my grip on you twice, you just held on. i pulled you deeper into our embrace. i wonder what you were thinking. i was thinking "what do i do now? am i doing this right?" i wonder what people, students and teachers alike, would think if they looked up and saw us. i dont remember us letting go, but i know i had the symptoms after. shakiness, deep breathing, and staring into blank space. you held my arm, i moved your hand away. it brushed my elbow, and you just held it there. i prodded it. "awkward hand" i mumbled. but over here, i'd like to thank you, it helped me feel that someone was there for me. after a while, the bell rang. we tumbled down the spindling whitewash spiral staircase, back down, back into reality. |
It's best to keep it short and sweet. (:
